Monday, January 13, 2014
Top 10 Dinosaur Names, ca. the Mesozoic Era
1. Kyle
2. Colby
3. Troy
4. Zach
5. Madison
6. Mallory
7. Jake
8. Isabella
9. Chloe
10. Jackson
Friday, September 28, 2012
Several reasons why the A's have a far greater chance to win a wild card spot than any other team.
Notes before I begin: as the title mentions, I'm not talking division championships, just a wild card spot. And my buddy Aaron deserves a shout-out for mentioning a few of these points to me. Now, those out of the way, I'd like to explain how I'm tired with the arguments that the A's are doomed and that the schedule will destroy them. Let's look at the facts and the schedule right now.
Essentially it's a four-team race for two spots, with the A's, Baltimore, LA, and the Rays. Of course the Yankees and Rangers could drop into it if they lose a bunch, but the Rangers losing the West is highly unlikely (and if they do it, it will be to the A's), and the Yankees have a very favorable schedule. If the Yankees end up losing a bunch of games and the division, so what? Their losing can only benefit the A's, since it won't be to any team in the wild card race. The Central is all but mathematically eliminated for a spot. So let's go to the schedules.
The A's:
--Six games, all at home.
--Three against the Mariners, who are a middlingish-not-terrible team but have nothing to play for.
--They miss the Mariners' best starters and get the late-season dregs of the rotation.
--Three against Texas, some or all of which might well be after Texas has already clinched the division and top seed in the playoffs and wants to rest its best players. If Texas hasn't taken care of business against LA and clinched the division, then hey, bonus.
The Rays:
--Three games against a desperate and pretty good White Sox team on the road.
--Three games at home against a good Baltimore team also sure to be fighting for its playoff life.
Baltimore:
--Three games at home against the Red Sox. No big whoop.
--Three season-ending games on the road against the Rays, who will be throwing out all the stops.
The Angels:
--Three games on the road against a great Texas team looking to seal up the division and the top seed.
--Three games on the road against the Mariners, and before you say anything, including Felix Hernandez and Hisashi Iwakuma starts.
And finally, the A's start these last six games with a two-game lead on any team who can eliminate them from the playoffs.
Such is my argument. All of this depends, of course, on how the A's actually play. If they barf nuggets (how do I think that's an actual term? Where did that come from?) against Seattle at home, for example, all bets are off. I'm just talking about probabilities here. Feel free to hit me back with your thoughts.
Essentially it's a four-team race for two spots, with the A's, Baltimore, LA, and the Rays. Of course the Yankees and Rangers could drop into it if they lose a bunch, but the Rangers losing the West is highly unlikely (and if they do it, it will be to the A's), and the Yankees have a very favorable schedule. If the Yankees end up losing a bunch of games and the division, so what? Their losing can only benefit the A's, since it won't be to any team in the wild card race. The Central is all but mathematically eliminated for a spot. So let's go to the schedules.
The A's:
--Six games, all at home.
--Three against the Mariners, who are a middlingish-not-terrible team but have nothing to play for.
--They miss the Mariners' best starters and get the late-season dregs of the rotation.
--Three against Texas, some or all of which might well be after Texas has already clinched the division and top seed in the playoffs and wants to rest its best players. If Texas hasn't taken care of business against LA and clinched the division, then hey, bonus.
The Rays:
--Three games against a desperate and pretty good White Sox team on the road.
--Three games at home against a good Baltimore team also sure to be fighting for its playoff life.
Baltimore:
--Three games at home against the Red Sox. No big whoop.
--Three season-ending games on the road against the Rays, who will be throwing out all the stops.
The Angels:
--Three games on the road against a great Texas team looking to seal up the division and the top seed.
--Three games on the road against the Mariners, and before you say anything, including Felix Hernandez and Hisashi Iwakuma starts.
And finally, the A's start these last six games with a two-game lead on any team who can eliminate them from the playoffs.
Such is my argument. All of this depends, of course, on how the A's actually play. If they barf nuggets (how do I think that's an actual term? Where did that come from?) against Seattle at home, for example, all bets are off. I'm just talking about probabilities here. Feel free to hit me back with your thoughts.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Onion article I can't find anywhere else but needs to be online.
New Six Flags Ride Based On Relationship With Deborah
Promoting the coaster as "the most heart-breaking ride on earth," The Six Flags Magic Mountain theme park unveiled its newest attraction this week: a 395-foot-tall steel roller coaster designed to simulate a grueling three year relationship with Deborah.
Developed by world-renowned and recently single engineer Phillip Werner, the Life Force Crusher-X is said to feature six disorienting vertical loops, 150 feet of highly unstable barrel rolls, a portion in the middle where the ride just suddenly stops for no reason and refuses to start again until riders apologize, and an unexpected 310-foot drop at the very end.
"This heart-racing, gut-wrenching 90 mph free fall into unhealthy codependence and trust issues will have even the most extreme thrill-seekers begging for it to be over," reads a Six Flags press release announcing the new coaster, which promises to require more attention and patience than any one man should reasonably be expected to have. "Can you survive the Agonizing Vortex of Unflagging Acrimony?"
According to park officials, the coaster begins with an impulsive burst of acceleration that, when riders reflect on the experience years later, will prove to be the only enjoyable portion of the ride. A series of unexpected and painful twists rapidly follow, leaving riders confused, strangely resentful, and wondering if they made a huge mistake getting on the ride in the first place. For the next 25 minutes, the coaster creeps endlessly forward at an agonizing pace, until it actually starts moving backward.
When the Life Force Crusher-X mercifully comes to an end, park visitors often find themselves speechless, emotionally exhausted, and completely broke.
"What the fuck just happened?" roller coaster enthusiast Derek Schumer said. "At first things were great, but next thing I knew, I was throwing my hands in the air and screaming, 'Why are we even doing this? I don't understand why we're doing this. It doesn't make either of us he least bit happy. Just end it, already, just end it!'"
Added Schumer, "I think I'm going to be sick."
Despite only opening last week, Life Force Crusher-X is already one of Magic Mountain's main attractions. The park has even been forced to extend its hours to accommodate ticket holders who said they would never come back, only to find themselves pounding on the gates at 2 am, desperate for just one more go-round.
"I can't decide if I hate the ride or if I hate myself for going on it," read one comment on a website that reviews roller coasters. "At one point I glanced over at the people on other coasters, and they all looked so much happier."
"I don't know," the comment continued. "Maybe the Life Force Crusher-X is just the type of coaster I deserve."
Park-goer Andrew Murry had a similar experience on the Six Flags ride.
"Pretty early on, I realized that I just needed to get off," Murray said. "But by that point we had just passed through the Tunnel of Pregnancy Scares, and there was no way I could up and leave then. God, to think of all the other rides I could have tried if I weren't trapped on that suffocating machine."
Although some have expressed safety concerns with the coaster's structure--more than 7,000 feet of steel tubular track hastily built on a foundation of lust and shared contempt--both Six Flags and the designer himself have assured riders that the Life Force Crusher-X is nowhere near as dangerous as actually dating Deborah.
"Every inch of my coaster has been biodynamically analyzed by computers to be 100 percent safe, which is far more protection than I ever got from that heart-swallowing banshee of a woman," designer Werner said at the unveiling of his semi-autobiographical ride. "In fact, I myself ride the Crusher every morning. Just to remember."
Six Flags officials said they've already begun construction on their next coaster, one they are calling "even more terrifying than being in a relationship with Deborah."
It's scheduled to open in 2012 and will be based on not being in a relationship with Deborah.
Promoting the coaster as "the most heart-breaking ride on earth," The Six Flags Magic Mountain theme park unveiled its newest attraction this week: a 395-foot-tall steel roller coaster designed to simulate a grueling three year relationship with Deborah.
Developed by world-renowned and recently single engineer Phillip Werner, the Life Force Crusher-X is said to feature six disorienting vertical loops, 150 feet of highly unstable barrel rolls, a portion in the middle where the ride just suddenly stops for no reason and refuses to start again until riders apologize, and an unexpected 310-foot drop at the very end.
"This heart-racing, gut-wrenching 90 mph free fall into unhealthy codependence and trust issues will have even the most extreme thrill-seekers begging for it to be over," reads a Six Flags press release announcing the new coaster, which promises to require more attention and patience than any one man should reasonably be expected to have. "Can you survive the Agonizing Vortex of Unflagging Acrimony?"
According to park officials, the coaster begins with an impulsive burst of acceleration that, when riders reflect on the experience years later, will prove to be the only enjoyable portion of the ride. A series of unexpected and painful twists rapidly follow, leaving riders confused, strangely resentful, and wondering if they made a huge mistake getting on the ride in the first place. For the next 25 minutes, the coaster creeps endlessly forward at an agonizing pace, until it actually starts moving backward.
When the Life Force Crusher-X mercifully comes to an end, park visitors often find themselves speechless, emotionally exhausted, and completely broke.
"What the fuck just happened?" roller coaster enthusiast Derek Schumer said. "At first things were great, but next thing I knew, I was throwing my hands in the air and screaming, 'Why are we even doing this? I don't understand why we're doing this. It doesn't make either of us he least bit happy. Just end it, already, just end it!'"
Added Schumer, "I think I'm going to be sick."
Despite only opening last week, Life Force Crusher-X is already one of Magic Mountain's main attractions. The park has even been forced to extend its hours to accommodate ticket holders who said they would never come back, only to find themselves pounding on the gates at 2 am, desperate for just one more go-round.
"I can't decide if I hate the ride or if I hate myself for going on it," read one comment on a website that reviews roller coasters. "At one point I glanced over at the people on other coasters, and they all looked so much happier."
"I don't know," the comment continued. "Maybe the Life Force Crusher-X is just the type of coaster I deserve."
Park-goer Andrew Murry had a similar experience on the Six Flags ride.
"Pretty early on, I realized that I just needed to get off," Murray said. "But by that point we had just passed through the Tunnel of Pregnancy Scares, and there was no way I could up and leave then. God, to think of all the other rides I could have tried if I weren't trapped on that suffocating machine."
Although some have expressed safety concerns with the coaster's structure--more than 7,000 feet of steel tubular track hastily built on a foundation of lust and shared contempt--both Six Flags and the designer himself have assured riders that the Life Force Crusher-X is nowhere near as dangerous as actually dating Deborah.
"Every inch of my coaster has been biodynamically analyzed by computers to be 100 percent safe, which is far more protection than I ever got from that heart-swallowing banshee of a woman," designer Werner said at the unveiling of his semi-autobiographical ride. "In fact, I myself ride the Crusher every morning. Just to remember."
Six Flags officials said they've already begun construction on their next coaster, one they are calling "even more terrifying than being in a relationship with Deborah."
It's scheduled to open in 2012 and will be based on not being in a relationship with Deborah.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Ha!
Looks like all three of my unlikely predictions came true, now that the Raiders have won their 5th game. Suck it, Feldstein! To review:
What I said before the season:
"The Denver Broncos will win at least six games. People are predicting that the bottom three teams in the AFC West are all going to be abysmal, to the tune of 4-12 or 3-13, but the fact is the schedule won't permit that. One of them is going to win 6 or more games, and I think it'll be the Broncos."
Current result: the Broncos have already won 8 games, with 2 games to go.
What I said before the season:
"The Oakland Raiders will win at least five games. This isn't schedule-related; rather, I think that they've gained enough experience to surprise a few teams, plus win three or so AFC West games. They're not the god-awful Raiders of years past, just the god-mediocre Raiders."
Current result: the Raiders have already won 5 games, with 2 games to go.
What I said before the season:
"I can't believe that people are assuming that simply because Tom Brady is back, the Patriots are going to be a 14-2 team. This team's problems go way deeper than Brady being injured; the defense is far more questionable than before, for all the offensive tools they might have. I predict they go 11-5, max."
Current result: the Patriots have already lost 5 games, with 2 games to go.
Nyah nyah nyah etc.
What I said before the season:
"The Denver Broncos will win at least six games. People are predicting that the bottom three teams in the AFC West are all going to be abysmal, to the tune of 4-12 or 3-13, but the fact is the schedule won't permit that. One of them is going to win 6 or more games, and I think it'll be the Broncos."
Current result: the Broncos have already won 8 games, with 2 games to go.
What I said before the season:
"The Oakland Raiders will win at least five games. This isn't schedule-related; rather, I think that they've gained enough experience to surprise a few teams, plus win three or so AFC West games. They're not the god-awful Raiders of years past, just the god-mediocre Raiders."
Current result: the Raiders have already won 5 games, with 2 games to go.
What I said before the season:
"I can't believe that people are assuming that simply because Tom Brady is back, the Patriots are going to be a 14-2 team. This team's problems go way deeper than Brady being injured; the defense is far more questionable than before, for all the offensive tools they might have. I predict they go 11-5, max."
Current result: the Patriots have already lost 5 games, with 2 games to go.
Nyah nyah nyah etc.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
There's a great urinal
at Henry's in Berkeley. In this (slightly not-safe-for-work) video, I do what everyone should do to the Stanfurd tree.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Now that I've been to Minnesota
here are the U.S. states I've been to:
1. Arizona
2. California
3. Connecticut
4. Delaware
5. Georgia
6. Idaho
7. Illinois
8. Indiana
9. Maine
10. Maryland
11. Massachusetts
12. Michigan
13. Minnesota
14. Montana
15. Nevada
16. New Hampshire
17. New Jersey
18. New York
19. North Carolina
20. Ohio
21. Oregon
22. Pennsylvania
23. Rhode Island
24. Tennessee
25. Texas
26. Utah
27. Vermont
28. Virginia
29. Washington
30. West Virginia
31. Wisconsin
32. Wyoming
Ones I still need to hit up:
1. Alaska
2. Alabama
3. Arkansas
4. Colorado
5. Florida
6. Hawaii
7. Iowa
8. Kansas
9. Kentucky
10. Louisiana
11. Mississippi
12. Missouri
13. Nebraska
14. New Mexico
15. North Dakota
16. Oklahoma
17. South Carolina
18. South Dakota
This is using my personal criteria that for a given state to count, I must either have spent the night in the state or gone there on purpose for some reason. In other words, no layovers in airports or states that I've just driven through without stopping.
Any recommendations for what the next few states should be?
1. Arizona
2. California
3. Connecticut
4. Delaware
5. Georgia
6. Idaho
7. Illinois
8. Indiana
9. Maine
10. Maryland
11. Massachusetts
12. Michigan
13. Minnesota
14. Montana
15. Nevada
16. New Hampshire
17. New Jersey
18. New York
19. North Carolina
20. Ohio
21. Oregon
22. Pennsylvania
23. Rhode Island
24. Tennessee
25. Texas
26. Utah
27. Vermont
28. Virginia
29. Washington
30. West Virginia
31. Wisconsin
32. Wyoming
Ones I still need to hit up:
1. Alaska
2. Alabama
3. Arkansas
4. Colorado
5. Florida
6. Hawaii
7. Iowa
8. Kansas
9. Kentucky
10. Louisiana
11. Mississippi
12. Missouri
13. Nebraska
14. New Mexico
15. North Dakota
16. Oklahoma
17. South Carolina
18. South Dakota
This is using my personal criteria that for a given state to count, I must either have spent the night in the state or gone there on purpose for some reason. In other words, no layovers in airports or states that I've just driven through without stopping.
Any recommendations for what the next few states should be?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
A few predictions
about the upcoming NFL season, with a nod to Aaron Feldstein (http://nec-roughness.blogspot.com/):
--The Denver Broncos will win at least six games. People are predicting that the bottom three teams in the AFC West are all going to be abysmal, to the tune of 4-12 or 3-13, but the fact is the schedule won't permit that. One of them is going to win 6 or more games, and I think it'll be the Broncos.
--The Oakland Raiders will win at least five games. This isn't schedule-related; rather, I think that they've gained enough experience to surprise a few teams, plus win three or so AFC West games. They're not the god-awful Raiders of years past, just the god-mediocre Raiders.
--I can't believe that people are assuming that simply because Tom Brady is back, the Patriots are going to be a 14-2 team. This team's problems go way deeper than Brady being injured; the defense is far more questionable than before, for all the offensive tools they might have. I predict they go 11-5, max.
I don't know much about the NFL these days, but I'd stake some cash on these things. Come by the bar if you want to enter anything in the wager book.
--The Denver Broncos will win at least six games. People are predicting that the bottom three teams in the AFC West are all going to be abysmal, to the tune of 4-12 or 3-13, but the fact is the schedule won't permit that. One of them is going to win 6 or more games, and I think it'll be the Broncos.
--The Oakland Raiders will win at least five games. This isn't schedule-related; rather, I think that they've gained enough experience to surprise a few teams, plus win three or so AFC West games. They're not the god-awful Raiders of years past, just the god-mediocre Raiders.
--I can't believe that people are assuming that simply because Tom Brady is back, the Patriots are going to be a 14-2 team. This team's problems go way deeper than Brady being injured; the defense is far more questionable than before, for all the offensive tools they might have. I predict they go 11-5, max.
I don't know much about the NFL these days, but I'd stake some cash on these things. Come by the bar if you want to enter anything in the wager book.
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