A. ON A BOY:
1. Exist.
2. Allow photons to bounce off of you and travel to his eyes.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 until he kisses you.
B. ON A GIRL:
Move 1
1. Talk nervously for hours.
2. Stare tentatively into girl’s eyes for several minutes.
3. Fidget.
4. Sheepishly ask girl, “Can I kiss you?”
Move 2
1. Drink.
2. Drink some more.
3. Yes.
4. Fall into girl’s face and sloppily kiss her.
Move 3—“The Cruise Missile”
1. Excuse yourself. Go star in a major motion picture as one of the wildest, hottest young F-16 pilots in the Navy.
2. Return and wait for kiss.
Move 4—“The Shake and Bake”
1. Juke right.
2. Slap her on the left ear.
3. Poke fingers into each of her eyes.
4. Say, “Woggy woggy woo.”
5. Kiss her.
Move 5—“The Lesser of Two Evils”
1. Produce deadly nightshade.
2. Ask “what, would you rather kiss this deadly nightshade?”
3. Kiss her.
Move 6—“Peace Be upon Her”
1. Convert girl to Islam.
2. Take possession of her.
3. Make out with her.
Move 7—“The Last Resort”
1. Say “Boy, it smells like urine over here where I am.”
2. Move over onto her lap.
3. Kiss her.
Move 8—“The Electric Slide”
1. Lightly touch girl’s hair.
2. Stare into her eyes.
3. Softly comment that the light off the river makes her complexion particularly lovely.
4. Gently touch two moist, stripped wires carrying large amounts of electric current to each of her temples.
5. Remove wires.
6. Wait for shaking to stop.
7. Kiss her.
Move 9—“Midnight Train to Georgia”
1. Try to kiss her.
2. If she resists, say “But I have all my papers in order!” and with shaking hands give her several complicated, Cyrillic forms in triplicate.
3. If she still resists begin crying and blubbering about your mother in Vladivostok.
4. Kiss her.
Move 10—“Hispanic Fly”
1. Ask her where Julio is.
2. Look at watch impatiently.
3. Ask again where Julio is.
4. Begin nervously tapping feet.
5. Open window and call loudly for Julio.
6. Say “I guess it’s up to me then,” and kiss her.
Move 11—“The Classic”
1. Pretend to yawn; stretch arms up over head.
2. Make fist and bring it crushingly down on her solar plexus.
3. Kiss her.
